Profanity..... and Shakespeare

I left work a couple of hours early yesterday to do some last minute Christmas shopping. The boy and I ventured out to the shopping conglomerate a couple of miles from the house only to find that everyone else in the valley had taken the day off and was doing the same thing....It was insanity.

Cars were bumper to bumper in the parking lots, ladies driving giant SUVs were attempting 20 point turns to get out of parking spots and pedestrians were darting in and out and crossing streets without care. Through all of this, I managed to keep my cool, until.....we were pulling out of a parking lot and onto the main shopping center thoroughfare when the man behind us starting honking belligerently. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel then yelled "F*CK YOU!!!" while simultaneously waving my middle finger around wildly (pointing it towards the honking car behind me). Finally there was a break in the traffic and I was able to pull out. Seconds later, we hear the same guy honking at someone else. INSANITY.

I looked back at the boy and said, "Sorry I flipped that guy off..." to which he replies with "Uh...ya...WITH. YOUR. MOUTH." Noted.

So, I swear a lot. Like. Really a lot. It is in my blood on both sides. My father refers to all of his children as "little shit asses" and actually makes the term seem endearing. My maternal grandmother (a good Christian woman)can be found calling me "little bitch" at least once per year...usually around Thanksgiving. Loving sediment aside, I have been making an effort lately to cut down on the use of profanity. Or at least I have thought about it, and on more than one occasion said it out loud to other people who may be in the room (the boy or the dude...or the dog).

Whenever I hear the word "profane" I think about Shakespeare (and my Dad). I have one Shakespearean sonnet committed to memory and it begins:

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

Does this mean that I am going to start apologizing to those that I swear at/to/around/beside? No. I think that I am going to start using Shakespearean slang and insults to replace normal profanity.

Example(s):

Peace, ye fat guts!

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.

Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.


Shakespeare was baller as hel.....heck. I can't wait to yell one of these major burns out the window the next time someone cuts me off. Take that cruel world. A pox on both your houses bee-otches!!